Okay, let me get something off my chest. I’m kinda a boytoy. I go off and hit on people but for the sake of getting attention. I’m a fucking Alfie wannabe. It’s not that I’m off trying to get laid or anything, but it’s simply a bad habit that I have yet to break. That being said, the fact that I am something of a nice arm accessory for some girls is generally never mentioned, if ever referenced. This was one of the few times I actually had to face someone saying it out straight.
So, first off, explanation. I put off an ad on my local Craigslist with a very bland title- 19 years old, normal guy, the works. Nice wording, like a fucking Jane Austen novel. I feel confident in it enough to let it stand. It’s like a really good billboard out in the middle of some godforsaken highway- 50 miles down the road, the message still grinds at your head like a gear in a broken clock. You keep thinking, “Drink Fresh Cola”. And it permiates your Id. You want to become the Cola. And that’s exactly what I wanted, except instead of wanting them to become me, I wanted them to want me. Close enough.
So anyway, it’s about 11p on a nice Tuesday night when I get this:
Hello
40 F Greensboro 5’8 tall blue eyes auburn/red shoulder length hair 38D 35 36 Curvy
Looking for a occasional playmate…
Let me know if interested…thanks E
So I think to myself, what? What am I to gather from this? Naturally, the woman is 40 years old, and all signs (“Curvy”, 38D breasts at 5’8″, etc) are showing me that certainly, beyond all doubt, this is not good. Then again, there is a part of me that loves pain. I reply.
Send pictures and more information.
She responds.
what kind of information are you looking for?
Clearly, we are in trouble already. I respond.
What are you looking for, specifically?
She responds.
a boytoy, someone to run to in my spare time…someone that actually likes me and knows my name…hard to find, either that or Im too picky..
A-HA! I figured this out. Clearly, this is one of those “I want a young guy to fuck me senseless” kinds of e-mails. Not that they are bad by any means, but they tend to carry a creepiness to them. I’m all for older women, but when you have a 40 year old wanting to plow someone half her age, you know something is wrong. And, as it seems, it’s looks. By being “picky”, we can presume she’s just excessively picky and ugly herself, but she wants young studs. You can’t have nice men when you look like you got hit by a tractor-trailer.
She sends pictures. It’s fucking clear- she looks like the kind of women who goes home to her construction worker husband, cooks Hamburger Helper, then sleeps in a ratty gown whilst reading nasty paperback novelettes featuring studly men who love people. I decide to string her along.
I know it’s crude, but do you mind providing more pictures?
She gets pissy.
Ive not seen you…
Of course, and you certainly won’t get to see me.
I’m looking for pictures right now, but send me some in the mean time.
She responds:
I dont think youre what Im looking for…good luck on your quest…thanks E
Fuck you, E. This isn’t a fun game.
My apologies for the trouble, but I’m sure you understand I deal with a lot of bots- I’m very cautious.
She seems relieved.
and you think Im a bot…lol…Im real…and I thought I was wary..lol
I respond.
I’ve met some clever bots. Nonetheless, what brings you to Craigslist? What would being your “boytoy” entail?
She responds
hmmm…well eat drink and be merry..and of course sex.
Bots dont carry on conversations like this….
I suppose by this point shit is getting ridiculous, so I just decide to fuck with her.
I obviously know now you are not a bot. Got AIM/MSN or something?
She:
Im on AIM
What then occurs is the shortest and lamest AIM conversation ever. She pops up, and it goes like this:
K: BOT!
E: What?
She is then resoundingly blocked, her name is deleted, and I go back to looking at cute Asian girls on the internet.
